Monday, August 31, 2009

Comic Book Store Survival 103

Be wary of the invitation to go to the comic book store. Don’t make any other plans because you probably won’t make it out of there in less than an hour. The time will last even longer if the store has a foul odor to it. My recommendation is to bring a book and wait in the car. Otherwise, if you must go inside, ask for the $80 Mothra (a big moth that fought Godzilla) doll until it’s time to go. There really isn’t much you can do to make the trip go faster because fanboys must look at all the new arrivals and then spend at least 30 minutes going through all the old back issues. You better remember to pick up boards and bags while you’re there too so you don’t have to make an extra trip the next day.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Futurama References

Pepper you conversations with Futurama references when conversing with the fanboy in your life. The following are a few of my favorite sayings:

“What in Satan’s glorious name?”
“This concept of ‘wuv” confuses and infuriates me!”
“Bite my shiny, metal ass!”

Also, don’t forget to pronounce Champaign as “cham-pag-in.”

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Strangers in Paradise

For as much as my husband has talked about Strangers in Paradise, one would think I’d know more about it. All I know is that it is a series of six graphic novels about an overweight woman, who all the boys love. There’s also an aerobics instructor who had plastic surgery. I think there are ninjas too.

Friday, August 28, 2009

“That’s how I Roll in the Shire”

Fortunately for me, my husband doesn’t care for The Lord of the Rings. I read The Hobbit when I was in high school because I used to take my math classes at a college and I had to carpool with two guys who loved Tolkien. I thought it would give us something to talk about because it took an hour to get to the campus from our high school. I even tried to read The Lord of the Rings, but I didn’t make it very far. Other than Uncle Tom’s Cabin, it is the only book I never finished reading.

Ash tried to read The Lord of the Rings when he was a teenager too, and he didn’t even make it as far as I did. When the first movie came out, we rented it. We tried to watch it, but got bored and went to get some burgers. When we got back, it was still playing! We tried to resume watching it, but we just couldn’t. I am so thankful that this is one geek-fad that Ash is not interested in at all.

The only thing I like about The Lord of the Rings is when the main character on the show The Big Bang Theory is dressed as a hobbit and proclaims, “That’s how I roll in the shire!”

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Emma Frosty the X-Man

(Drawing by Fanboy Wife)

Emma Frost is a character in the X-Men comic books, and she doesn’t wear a lot of clothes. Girls who crave attention and have no shame dress up like her at comic book conventions.

Her superpower is to stay in her costume and not get cold. Her last name is Frost, so I’m guessing she can make it snow or something. I also think she dates Cyclops, another mutant who may or may not only have one eye.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

My Blog is Awesome

I’m not making it up. According to Christina at Your Blog is Awesome, my blog is awesome! I think her blog is pretty awesome too. Every day, she posts a link and description of a blog she thinks is worthy of scoping on the internet. She’s just getting started, but I think she has a good concept.

Joss Whedon is the Bane of my Existence

Why, oh why, do I live in a house filled with Buffy? My husband discovered Buffy the Vampire Slayer in college, and I have a few people I blame for introducing it to him. After he watched all the reruns on TV in the morning, he bought the entire series. To complete his Buffy shrine, he also bought the Angel series. Since then, every time he sees something that has the words “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” on it, he must buy it. He has everything except for the movie, which I hear it’s pretty terrible and it’s not in the Buffy canon.

Ash has every comic book about Buffy and Angel, and he also has several Buffy theology books. He has the soundtrack and video games as well. He also buys anything written by Joss Whedon, the guy who spawned Buffy. Ash has many comic books written by him, he has the other TV show Whedon created about the guys in space, and he has also made me watch Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog.

I don’t know why Joss Whedon is so addicting to fanboys. The biggest problem is that Joss Whedon is always creating, so this is a collection that will never end! Don’t let your fanboy get addicted to Joss Whedon. Just say, “No!”

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

DCBS Ate my Storage Space

I don’t know what DCBS stands for (probably Dorky Comic Book Service), but it’s a way for my fanboy to preorder comic books online. He tells me that he saves a lot of money by purchasing comics through DCBS instead of buying them at a comic book store. This is a good idea so he can get the $80 of comics he wants for $50. However, instead of being content with saving $30, he will spend that $30 on more comics because “it’s such a good deal!”

Thank you, DCBS, for filling up my house with comics!

Monday, August 24, 2009

They Made a Movie about Fanboys?

My husband bought Fanboys just because of the title. Neither of us had heard of it before he saw it for sale at the store. I think he also bought it because the woman who starred in Veronica Mars is in it.

This is an inane movie. A group of young men decide they need to break into George Lucas’s house so they can watch Star Wars: Episode I before it is released to theaters because they have a friend with cancer who’s going to die. Along the way they listen to Rush, they break a statue in Iowa, have to strip at a gay biker bar in Iowa, and they smoke peyote in Iowa. (I’ve been to Iowa, and I don’t think there are a lot of gay biker bars there. I also thought peyote grew in the American Southwest, not the Midwest.) The fanboys end up in Las Vegas where they get chased by angry Star Trek fans and a pimp who loves Star Wars, but they get help from William Shatner and Veronica Mars. Veronica Mars and the boys break into Lucas’s house, where they get caught and interrogated. They boy with cancer gets to watch the movie, but the rest have to camp out in front of a movie theater when it is released.

If your fanboy wants to watch the movie, tell him you read about it online and you’ll tell him how it ends if he tries to make you watch it.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

How to Torture a Fanboy 102

When your fanboy is waiting to get his new comics, he will talk about his anticipation nonstop. A good way to torture him is to look up the spoilers for those new comics online. Anytime that he starts to annoy you, tell him one of those spoilers. He will flee from the room and stop telling you how excited he is for the new comics.

If you are not quite this heartless, make up a few “facts” about the new comic. He won’t know if you’re telling him real spoilers or lies, and it will torture him just the same.

Saturday, August 22, 2009


The JSA and JLA are two different things; they stand for the Justice Society of America and the Justice League of America. Good luck keeping them apart. One has Hawkman (his head’s a hawk) in it. The other has Wonder Woman in it.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Parable of Preorders

The economy of the comic book industry is pretty weird. Most people can go to the comic book store and buy their comics, and that is it. They don’t think about how the comic book store owners order their wares. Some fanboys will preorder their comic books, like comic book store owners, in order to save some money. My husband does this.

This is how Ash explained preorders to me:

Let’s say you want to buy a pair of pants; all you need to do is go to the store, pick out a pair you like, and pay the cashier. It’s pretty simple. Now, if pants were sold like comic books, it would make everything more complicated. You would need to preorder your pants. You would read a little blurb about a pair of pants, and if you think you might like them you pay for them the month the description is published. You will take a gamble on whether the pants will be any good. Several months later, you will get your pants in the mail. Often, your pants will come months later than you expected. Sometimes, your pants may not ever get made, but you will at least get a refund. If you are a store owner, it gets even more complicated because you need to take a gamble on how many pairs of pants you’ll be able to sell several months down the road.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The Big Bang Theory

When I was in high school, I took a few advanced classes at the school and through a few universities. I met many nerds and geeks, but not all of them were fanboys. It is possible to be smart and not want to dress up like a Stormtrooper or buy every comic book featuring Wolverine. However, I did meet a few fanboys in those classes. One boy that sticks out once said, “Actually, a pocket protector does make a lot of sense!”

The reason I share this information is to illustrate why I enjoy the show The Big Bang Theory. The show is about fanboy nerds, but I like it because it reminds me of some of the people that went to high school with me. I can appreciate the humor. It also reminds me that my husband isn’t that bad compared to other fanboys. He has never purchased a Battlestar Gallactica costume or time machine, and he doesn’t play Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Hawkman, His Head’s a Hole

Wednesday Comics are all the rage in fanboy world. They’re nostalgic for fanboys who read Sunday comics when they were children because they are huge and printed on newsprint. The problem with Wednesday Comics is that they’re huge and printed on newsprint.

My husband was excited about the prospect of owning big comics that would require him to lie on the floor to read, but the novelty wore off pretty quick. Ash also loves to board and bag all of his comics, but he can’t do it with Wednesday Comics because it would be like shoving a newspaper in the Mylar sack. The people who make these comics foresaw the problem of their comics being too wide, so they made the decision to fold the newsprint one more time. While this may have seemed like a good solution, the paper is still too thick to fit in the bag. The other problem is the stress the extra fold puts on the last page. Newsprint is very cheap paper, and it is not very sturdy. Ash discovered that his Wednesday Comics issue #1 already has a hole on the back page.

Now, when Ash flipped the page over to assess the damage, he noticed there is a hole in Hawkman’s head. Poor Hawkman, now his head’s a hole.

(Hawkman is by Kyle Baker)

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Rush (to the Earplugs)

If someone asks you if you want to listen to Rush, the correct answer is, “No.”

Hell no.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Fanboys are from Mars, Veronica Mars is from Venus

Veronica Mars is a teenager that lives in Neptune, drives a Saturn, shaves with a Venus, and saw Uranus. She also solves mysteries.

The first season of the show was fueled by Veronica’s need to solve the murder of her best friend, who was also her ex-boyfriend’s sister. I think her new boyfriend’s father murdered her. I don’t remember. I usually had homework or housework to do when my husband was watching it, so I never really paid attention. Veronica also dated a cop while she was still in high school, even though he was a lot older than her and should have known better. Veronica had a few sidekicks, including a boy who played basketball and a girl who was good with computers. I’m pretty sure she was in college the last season, and she had to solve a crime that one of her professors committed.

I only know two people that liked this show, but apparently enough people watched it for three seasons to get made. Guess whose husband owns all of the seasons? I also hear that other fanboys enjoy Veronica Mars, and they whined extensively about its cancellation online on various forums. I only wish it was cancelled sooner so I’d have a little bit more shelf space available in my living room.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Wonderbra Woman

Wonder Woman is not an Amazon. Perhaps I’m worse than a comic book nerd for knowing about ancient civilizations, but at least I know what an Amazon is. Back when I was in elementary school, I learned that the Amazons were a group of ferocious women who were so dedicated to warfare that they cut off their right breasts so they would be able to use bows better. Wonder Woman is obviously not an Amazon.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

The Geeks are Taking Notice

My blog was bookmarked on Geek Blips recently. (I wonder who added it to that site!) I’m surprised I haven’t been getting more rebuttals on my posts if actual fanboys are reading my blog.

Unhappy Meal

Aqua Teen Hunger Force (ATHF) is a cartoon about a Happy Meal that fights crime, or something. There’s a shake, some French fries, and a raw meatball. There is also a gross neighbor in sweatpants.
This show is bearable in small doses. ATHF only last about 10 minutes, and that’s long enough – anything longer than that is just hard to watch.

If you have to watch in on a DVD don’t watch all the episodes at once, you’ll claw your eyes out after half an hour. I can’t believe they made a movie! Even though Bruce Campbell provides his voice in the movie, it’s still tough to watch.

Friday, August 14, 2009


(Drawing by Fanboy Wife, based on a picture by John Cassady)
Wolverine is a very famous member of the X-Men. (He’s an X-Man?) The X-Men are mutants that go to school together. Wolverine is so popular he has his own movie, and he stars in several comic book titles. My husband, Ash, says that his appearance in some comics doesn’t make a lot of sense because he is on more than one superhero team.

Why is Wolverine so famous? I think it has to do with his titanium alloy* skeleton. The other superheroes can stick their grocery lists to him with magnets when he runs to the store. His skeleton isn’t natural – some crazy scientist gave Wolverine the metal skeleton. He also has metal knives that shoot out of the backs of his hands, so he must have a big scratching post to keep his claws sharp. Wolverine also has super healing powers; I think he got shot in the face once and it didn’t even scar him. Wolverine also has weird hair that is emulated in his costume.

The best part about Wolverine is that’s he from Canada. (The best part “aboot” Wolverine, is that he’s from Canada, eh?) Ash hates it when I read his comic books aloud to him with voices. I think the voice I give to Wolverine is hilarious, but he doesn’t think so. He’ll take the book away from me, and I’ll have to say I’m “soarry.”

*See my disclaimer about my truthiness.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Aliens, Aliens, and More Aliens

There are quite a few Alien movies, and I think I’ve seen most of them since my husband has the boxed set. Fortunately, it doesn’t include Alien vs. Jason, or whatever that movie is called.

In these movies, Sigourney Weaver is in space and gets attacked by aliens. When the aliens are babies, they attach themselves to the faces of unsuspecting victims. Then, they incubate in their chests and pop out and kill the hosts. The aliens get bigger, and then they bite other people with their second mouths. I think their blood is acid too.

Sigourney Weaver has to fight these aliens in each movie, even though she dies in one of the sequels. Some scientists clone her so she can come back for another movie, but she is part-alien so all of the aliens love her. She, and her alien family, live happily ever after in space.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Kevin Smith as Silent Bob

Kevin Smith is a role model for many nerds, geeks, and fanboys. He is famous for his role as Silent Bob. If you are invited to watch a Kevin Smith movie when he plays Silent Bob, here they are in best to worst order:

1. Clerks II
2. Dogma
3. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
4. Clerks
5. Mallrats
11. Chasing Amy

The above numbering is correct. Chasing Amy is a terrible movie. Ben Affleck has a prominent role, and he is a terrible “actor.”

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Omnibuses Defined

An omnibus is a big book of comics. Individual comic issues are printed once every month or so. After a run of comics is no longer sold as individual books, sometimes they are put together and reprinted as a big book. This makes it easier and cheaper for fanboys to read older issues of comics. On the plus side, they don’t require boards and bags; however, you will probably need to buy a new bookshelf or two.

Monday, August 10, 2009

The X-Files

I thought The X-Files was a cool TV show… when I was in junior high. I quit watching it after they killed David Duchovny’s character for the 8th time and brought in the other guy. This also happened to coincide with the time I got my driver’s license and got a life.

This show is about a pair of FBI agents who investigate weird stuff. David Duchovny plays a man named Mulder who thinks his sister was abducted by aliens when they were kids. His partner is Scully (Gillian Anderson) who is a doctor and skeptical about everything. All the geeks are in love with her. If you’re watching The X-Files: I Want to Believe (the 2008 movie) and your fanboy won’t stop the movie during the credit sequence, it’s only so he can see Gillian Anderson in a bikini at the end.

My husband never watched the show when it was new. He started to watch it in college when it was on every night as reruns. I tried to watch it with him, but 30 seconds into the show I would ask, “Is this the one when the guy eats the livers/they’re old on the boat\the incestuous family keeps their deformed mom under the bed?” I can’t remember where I put my car keys 10 minutes ago, but somehow The X-Files has a special place bored into my brain. Anyway, my ability to predict the episodes like the Stupendous Yappi* annoyed the both of us. So, instead of watching the shows for free with me, Ash thought the better to buy every single X-Files DVD ever made so he could watch them alone. Oh joy.

Here are my tips for watching this show:
1. Don’t watch the show during supper. Chances are, something gross is going to squirt and you might lose your appetite.
2. Don’t get too attached to Scully’s dog.
3. Even if you think the Lone Gunmen (a trio of nerds that help Mulder and Scully every now and then) are interesting on the show, don’t ask to watch their spinoff. It’s pretty bad.
4. Don’t watch the episode about the interactive video games that kills people. You’ll regret it.
5. It’s okay if Mulder dies. He always manages to come back.

*The episode with the Stupendous Yappi in it isn’t so bad because Peter Boyle (he was in Young Frankenstein and Everybody Loves Raymond) is in it.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Two-Eyed Cyclops

(Drawing by Fanboy Wife, based on a picture by John Cassady)

Anyone who is literate and living in the Western world should know that a Cyclops is a giant from Greek mythology that has one eye. Apparently the people at Marvel did not learn about Greek Mythology. There’s a mutant from the X-Men that can shoot lasers out of his eyes, and his name is Cyclops. If he opens his eyes, the lasers shoot out and cause disaster, but somehow the lasers don’t shoot through his eyelids. Cyclops has to wear special goggles to keep from destroying everything in sight.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Avoid Movies with Time Travel

Time travel is a common science fiction plot device that is completely illogical, especially when the characters travel to the past. If a character goes back into the past to correct a problem, and they succeed, then there is no reason for them to go back in time in the first place and there is no need to tell the story!

Now, I can watch the original Star Trek series without too much of a problem because it doesn’t take itself too seriously. I can find humor in it. I can even watch the Star Trek movies, except for the one about the whales. However, I found the new Star Trek movie pretty annoying. So, Spock (the guy with pointy ears that says, “Live long and prosper,”) is an ambassador that lets tragedy befall a Romulan (a guy with pointy ears that is not a Vulcan, like Spock). That Romulan goes back in time to destroy Spock, but Spock also goes back in time. To make a long story short, young Kirk and young Spock stop the evil Romulan with Spock-from-the-future. Now, young Spock knows that he is going to be an ambassador and that there will be a problem with the Romulans in the future. Wouldn’t he be able to prevent the problem with the Romulans with that knowledge? Wouldn’t that be “logical?” If Spock did that, then the one Romulan with a vendetta wouldn’t go back in time, and I could have 2 hours of my life back!

What bothers me even more is that I know that my husband will eventually buy this movie to add to his Star Trek hoard. Stupid Paramount Pictures bastards...

Friday, August 7, 2009

The Blackest Ring

There’s a special Green Lantern comic event called “The Blackest Night,” but for some reason I want to call it the “Darkest Night.” Whenever I call it the wrong name, Ash tells me, “No, that’s Batman. He’s the Dark Knight.” Black Lanterns are like Green Lanterns, but they are zombies who wear black and like to lick Batman’s skull. This event is extra special for fanboys because the comic book comes with a plastic ring with the Black Lantern logo on it. When my husband told me about this, I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal because his wedding band is a size 14, and I assumed that the plastic ring would be too small for him to wear. Unfortunately for me, Ash found out that the rings were going to be made big enough for adult men to wear.

Ash received his comic and plastic Black Lantern ring recently. We already had “the talk” and I explained that it is not okay for him to wear his plastic Black Lantern ring instead of his wedding band. Even though the ring is pretty big, it looked too small for his fingers. No such luck for me though – those jerks at DC made the ring out of flexible plastic with a slit at the bottom to allow large-handed fanboys to wear the costume jewelry!

How many comic book accessories do adult men need? My husband already has t-shirts, pajama pants, hats, pins, and underpants with comic book characters and logos printed on them. Does he really need costume jewelry as well? I have to remind him daily to put on his wedding ring, but he’s been wearing the Black Lantern ring since he got it. This makes me feel a little sad that he takes more pride in his love for comic book characters than me!

If your spouse has one of these toy rings too, remind him that he cannot wear it instead of his wedding ring! Perhaps you can convince him that it is a collector’s item and it shouldn’t be taken out of the package.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Link from Speed Force

My blog was mentioned on a real fanboy blog last weekend! (It’s a blog all about the Flash.) I hope the fanboys don’t take me seriously and revolt against me. However, I do hope their spouses find the link and will join my support group!


T-shirts are the bane of my existence. My husband has eight hundred and ninety-three nerdy t-shirts. No, I kid. He doesn’t have that many, but he does have several dozen, which is too many for the storage space we have. His dresser is twice as big as mine, and it’s overflowing with t-shirts.

Part of it is my fault. I used to buy or make shirts for gifts for Ash. I had to stop because he never gets rid of the old ones, and his hoard is getting out of control. I’ve been throwing them away when I do the laundry if I think I can get by with it. Recently, I was able to toss out his anti-Bush t-shirts I made him in college during the 2004 campaign. He’s even thrown out a few on his own from high school; however, there are still too many.

Ash did come home with a pair of superhero pajama pants recently. I hope this doesn’t turn into a new obsession!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Back Issues of Doom

Back issues are all the old comic books that weren’t sold at the comic book store when they were first published. They’re stored in big long cardboard boxes, and they entice fanboys to search through all of them. Apparently comics that weren’t interesting enough for the comic fan to buy when they were new grow in appeal once they are put in bags and shoved in a cardboard box. It’s like showrooms at furniture stores. By “displaying” the comic like it will be “displayed” at home, the fanboy has an easy time visualizing what it will be like when he brings that comic home.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Green Lantern, First Flight

My husband, my geek in residence, brought home Green Lantern, First Flight recently. It’s a cartoon movie about the Green Lantern. This straight-to-DVD movie is a big deal to fanboys because it is the first cartoon movie about the Green Lantern and it’s rated PG-13, which makes it slightly less embarrassing for adult men to purchase. It also comes with an extra disk to prolong the hurting.

The movie starts out to introduce a pilot, named Hal Jordan, who will later become a Green Lantern. I think the guy is supposed to be rugged or dashing, or something like that. Anyway, a dying alien’s ring abducts the pilot. The alien dies, the pilot puts on the dead alien’s jewelry, and then he becomes a Green Lantern. Hal Jordan then meets many other Green Lanterns in the Green Lantern Corps, which is located in space and run by little blue guys with big heads. The Green Lanterns don’t like Hal at first because he’s the new guy. The only Green Lantern that likes Hal is the devil Green Lantern, who turns out to be evil.

Aside from the movie trying to convert everyone to Green Lanternism, I have two big complaints about it. First of all, why is yellow the weakness for Green Lanterns? Anyone who used finger paints when they were a child realizes that yellow plus blue makes green. How can yellow harm something that is half yellow? If yellow is so dangerous, why can’t the Green Lanterns just mix in some blue to save the day? I think red would have been a better choice for an evil color since red is the opposite of green. Additionally, why did the producer let his cousin, who studied computer animation at community college, animate the spaceships? They really broke the unity of the cartoon and stuck out terribly. It’s a cartoon; it’s supposed to look flat.

Okay, I lied – I have more than two complaints. Here is my last big gripe: Why are there two disks and a digital copy download all in the same package? The first disk has the movie and bonus features. The second disk is full of even more evil bonus features to sooth the savage fanboy. Does DC really hate me that much? I can’t even relish in the idea of the disk getting scratched because now my husband will have a digital backup copy.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Green Lanterns

(Drawing by Fanboy Wife, based on a picture by Ivan Reis)

A lantern doesn’t sound that exciting; however, a Green Lantern is very titillating for fanboys. There are actually many Green Lanterns, and they’re a group of superheroes who star in their own comics.

A Green Lantern is a person (or alien) who wears a ring with a lantern logo engraved on it. The ring is also green. One would think that the superhero would then be called the Green Ring, but that might be too reminiscent of some unhygienic fanboy’s bathtubs… Anyway, the ring is powered by a big lantern that is green, hence the name “Green Lantern.” The lantern gives the ring power, which then gives the person wearing it superpowers. They can fly and make magical with their rings. The Green Lanterns also wear green spandex when they gad about the universe.

The Green Lanterns all belong to a cult called the Green Lantern Corps. The Corps is run by tiny blue aliens, who have giant heads and wear robes with the Green Lantern Logo. The Green Lanterns and the blue aliens gather for superhero business and to recite “The Hymn to the Big, Green Lantern.” Each Green Lantern superhero is in charge of a different part of the universe, where they try to convert people to Green Lanternism.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

The Tribble with Troubles

If you think the Star Trek episode “The Trouble with Tribbles” is bad, just wait until you have to watch the cartoon version of the episode. The worst one is the Star Trek Deep Space Something or Other episode. It’s like a cheesy flashback episode with bits of fur. All of these episodes are on the same disc of the Star Trek boxed set.

If you’ve never had to see this episode, you’re not missing much. It’s balls of fake fur that take over the ship. There’s a great scene where William Shatner is armpit-deep in dead tribbles, and he’s laughing!

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Viking #1, but He Can't #2

Viking #1 is not as cool as “everyone” says it is. Trust me. I read most of it in the car on the way back from the comic book store. It’s about some Vikings who kill a guy because he’s constipated… I think… Anyway, it’s overrated. (If the artwork is so great, why can’t I tell any of the characters apart?)

(Drawing by Fanboy Wife, based on a picture by Nic Klein)