Tuesday, December 8, 2009

All of the Blackest Night Lantern Rings

My husband, el Nerdo, just got this month’s shipment of comics, and he couldn’t be happier. He took over the living room with stacks of comics and unpacked his Lantern rings that came with the Blackest Night comics. Of course, he had to find his Black Lantern ring and put it on with his seven new rings. He is the happiest geek in the world.

Who knew there were so many superheroes that derived their powers from lanterns? Why do they all carry their travel size lanterns in their rings? My guess is so that fanboys can’t carry around lanterns and assimilate into normal society, but they will shell out money for these rings.


Instead of having my husband lecture me about the significance of all of the rings again so I can transcribe it, I’ll just guess what these Lanterns have for superpowers.

First, there are the Black Lanterns. They’re zombies, who crave human flesh. They were invented so the comic book company could push an “event” that would require fanboys to buy many, many comics.

Violet represents royalty and romance, so the Violet Lanterns are the only ones that are able to get dates because of the psychological effect their costume color has on the ladies. Ash insists that they’re not the Violet Lanterns, but they’re the Indigo Lanterns. The ring looks pretty violet to me, and I’ve heard that some scientists have rejected indigo from the color spectrum anyway.

Blue is a relaxing color, but some hues make people depressed. The Blue Lanterns realized they’re ridiculous superheroes and are very sad about it.

The Green Lanterns are the main superheroes. They wear green spandex, fly through space, and make magic come out of their rings.

I know that the Yellow Lanterns are evil because Ash made me watch that Green Lantern movie. It would make more sense if the evil Lanterns were red because red is the opposite of Green. Apparently Green Lanterns are helpless against the color yellow, which is ridiculous because green is half yellow.

Orange is next on the color wheel, and it makes people hungry. The Orange Lanterns must like to eat. They are very thankful that their spandex uniforms are stretchy.

Red is the color of passion, it also is used for warnings. My husband told me that the Red Lanterns are full of rage. I think I once saw a comic with Red Lanterns vomiting blood on the cover. This is weird, because red is also a color for attraction.

Psychologically, pink is a very soothing color. Babies cry less when they are in pink blankets and prisons are painted pink to calm in the inmates. The Pink Lanterns show up when there is trouble to help everyone calm down and take a nap.

4 comments:

  1. and now I know the origin of skittles. Clearly it's green lantern rings.

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  2. OMG, fanwife! I am learning a lot about comic book stuff I never knew, but I am laughing a LOT!

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  3. LOL thats awesome, I think my fiance would do the same XD!!
    he just gave me my ring.. its the pink lantern! <3

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  4. haha hes missing the white one

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