The Flash

(Drawing by Fanboy Wife)

No, the Flash is not a superhero that flashes people. That would make an interesting and wildly inappropriate comic.

The Flash is the fastest man alive. How fast is he? Apparently, he is even faster than Superman. According to Ash, my nerd in residence, when a super hero only has one power, s/he is the best at that one thing. So, the Flash is faster than everyone else, even other superheroes.

Now, you may be asking, “Why is this even a super power? What good is being really fast?” Those are questions I’ve also asked. I guess Flash can run though things and he can even time-travel. He also got his super power from hard water. Now, I’ve taken a shower with hard water before and I don’t have any super powers. In fact, I make it a point not to run unless something is chasing me. If I recall correctly, Ash told me that now they say the Flash got his super powers from heavy water instead of hard water.

There has been more than one Flash though. I know at least two of them are Barry Allen and Wally West. I don’t know which one is older, and I don’t think it really matters. He’s fast, he’s a super hero, and he used to wear a bedpan on his head with wings attached to it. These days, the Flash wears the regular superhero spandex getup with little lightning bolt accessories. He also wears “tight pants to show off his bulges.”

X-Men Cartoon Theme Song

The X-Men cartoon theme song is extremely annoying. If you have to watch this show on DVD, skip over the theme song. Otherwise, it will burrow into your brain and play nonstop for days on end. It’s quite painful.

Talking with a Fanboy 101

Here are a few tips for keeping the conversation lively when talking with a fanboy:

1. When your fanboy uses acronyms for things you don’t know, like JLA or JSA, ask him to explain what they mean. He’ll be happy to explain it, and it will make it easier to follow his lecture.
2. If your fanboy asks you to hand something to him, say, “There is no [something], there is only Zuul.” (This is a Ghostbusters joke.)
3. If you fall down, shout, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” (What nerd doesn’t like Chevy Chase?)
4. Try not to let your eyes glaze over when your fanboy tells you about his pull list. Just nod and smile.
5. If you happen to see a horse, you must proclaim that “they’re just banging two coconuts together.” (That’s a Monty Python reference.)
6. If your fanboy brings up the Justice Society of America, say, “I’ve heard about them. I love Hawkman. His head’s a hawk!”
7. If there’s a lull in the conversation, ask your fanboy why the original comics are better than comic book based movies.
8. If your fanboy asks you about your opinion about something you don’t care for, tell him “[Whatever he just said] is a great [whatever]… for me to poop on!” This way you can tell him how you feel and make a Triumph, the insult comic dog, reference at the same time. The joke might soften blow.
9. Ask him about his favorite Kevin Smith movie.
10. When he talks about the multiverse, try and change the subject. The only reason the multiverse exists is so that all the comics ever written line up with each other. Don’t think about it; it will make you go cross-eyed.

Battlestar Galactica of the Prehistoric Planet

Ash assures me that the new Battlestar Galactica is better than the original. I sure hope so. (I’ve never seen the original, so I’ll take his word.)

Battlestar is just Women of the Prehistoric Planet, which is a terrible movie that was featured (i.e. made fun of) on Mystery Science Theater 3000. The plot for both is that there is this advanced civilization in space in trouble that eventually ends up on a new planet, and that planet is Earth. That’s a big twist ending, isn’t it? The reason I think that Women of the Prehistoric Planet is better is because it only last 1.5 hours and there are robots making fun of it the whole time. Battlestar Galactica, on the other hand, lasted several seasons, comes with additional commentary and bonus features that double the length of suffering, and the robots aren’t as funny.

If your fanboy brings up Battlestar or insists on watching it, bring up Women of the Prehistoric Planet. You might get points for your own nerd-reference, or he might get insulted and change the subject.

Power Girl

(Drawing by Adam Hughes)

Don’t let your spouse read Power Girl comics. It’s just wrong. I mean, her breasts are larger than her head! I guess that’s where her power is stored. Ash, my husband, told me that there’s a rumor that there’s comic where the artist made her breasts a little big larger in each panel as a joke. Ha, ha.

Ash also assures me that Power Girl is a great role model for girls. (Then why the hell do grown men buy it?) I guess Barbie doesn’t cause enough low self-esteem and body image problems. Girls also need a chesty blonde who can fly in their lives!

Bruce Campbell is Dreamy

Chances are that the geek in your life is a fan of the Evil Dead movies. This is okay. Bruce Campbell gets the Fanboy Wife Seal of Approval. Bruce Campbell is dreamy, so this is an interest you both can enjoy.

The first Campbell movie I saw was Army of Darkness, and this was independent of my fanboy. However, Ash is the one who bought me Evil Dead, Evil Dead II, and Army of Darkness. (Sometimes my husband buys me gifts that are really for him.) We also have the following Campbell movies: Bubba-Hotep, the Man with the Screaming Brain, and My Name is Bruce. My husband has also read the Bruce Campbell biography and plays an Evil Dead video game.

Did anyone notice that my husband’s alias is “Ash,” the main character in the Evil Dead trilogy? This is not just a coincidence, and I didn’t pick the name.

Little Superman

When I was in college, my roommates and I would watch Smallville just to ridicule it. The entire show was supposed to be this big foreshadowing story, but it was just ridiculous. We couldn’t remember the name of the show at first, so we would just call it “Little Superman.” My roommate told me that Clark Kent (little Superman) was supposed to be in high school, and I asked what the show would be like when he went to college next year. She explained to me that Clark was supposed to be a sophomore! This made the show even funnier to me because it seemed like Superman must have been held back a few times to be 30 years old and a sophomore in high school. This is a perfect example of What’s the Matter with Kansas.

I only watched a few episodes when I lived with those women, and I never watched the show again… until my husband thought it would be fun to buy the first season. This led to him buying all the other seasons for the complete set. What was once funny once every week or so for a semester in college turned into something terrible and painful. Why was Lois Lane on the show? If Lex Luther and Superman were best friends, why can’t Luther figure out Superman’s identity later? Isn’t Jimmy Olsen supposed to be younger than Superman, when they meet by working at the paper? How many times can a show use the words, “secret,” “powers,” or “trust” in one episode?

Avoid this show at all costs. Shove a sandwich in your DVD player if you must.

Comments

My husband isn't convinced that anyone is reading this blog. Please feel free to leave comments! You can add your own insight (or jokes) to my entries. Share your stories if you have similar experiences as well.

Boards and Bags

My husband insists on carefully preserving comics he’ll never read again with boards and bags. The comic is placed in a Mylar (not plastic, God forbid!) bag with a piece of cardboard, and the bag is taped shut with special double stick tape. The comics are then stored in cardboard storage boxes. These boxes are then stored in what used to be my bedroom, which is now a shrine to the almighty Nerd God.

The reason comics are so carefully preserved now is because comics were originally a banal medium; they were meant to be read and thrown away. A few people saved their comics from childhood, and due to their rarity they were sold for obscene amounts. Now, everyone saves everything because they think their comics are going to be worth something someday. Unfortunately, if everyone saves every issue of every comic, they are no longer rare and no longer valuable.

I keep threatening to sneak into my husband’s storage boxes to make crafts out of his comic book collection.

Dared Evil

Apparently Daredevil is supposed to be read as “Dare Devil,” not the funnier, “Dared Evil.” This is an argument I can’t win. However, I do like that a recent Daredevil book had a copyright symbol printed right on Dared Evil’s nose!

(Images from Daredevil, the Man without Fear! written by Brian Michael Bendis with art by Alex Maleev)

Attack of the Podcasting

A podcast is a recording made by grown men to share their profound love of all things nerdy. This wouldn’t be so bad, except for the fact that men like my husband download these podcasts, which only encourages the podcasters to make more. Podcasters will go on for hours analyzing comic books sales distributions, how many comics they ordered this week, or how they didn’t get everything from their pull lists at their local stores. My “favorite” podcasts are when a guy with a monotone voice reads his comic books!


I usually don’t have to listen to these, but my husband insists that he can’t sleep without the radio playing. This was okay when he used to listen to Radiohead, Weezer, or any other of his nerd-bands, but now it’s all podcasts! Before he goes to bed he sets up his podcast play list in Windows Media Player, and that process takes at least 30 minutes. Even though he’s only going to be asleep for about 8 hours, his play lists usually exceeds 20 hours. (One would think a nerd would be able to do basic math.) Because of these podcasts constantly playing when I try to sleep, I can’t get a good night’s rest. I’m jolted awake by the theme song from the “Uncanny X-Cast.” I have nightmares about Wednesday Comics. I toss and turn listening to debates about Viking #1. It’s bad enough that his hoards of comics have taken over our bedroom, but now they’re in my dreams too.

If you are ever asked if you want to listen to a podcast, get your earplugs ready.

Beware of Storage Boxes

My husband brought home one of these boxes a few months ago. He told me it was to store comics. I said that was fine, but he wasn’t getting any more. He asked what would he do once if filled up, and I explained an easy solution. All he would have to was empty the box once it got full, to make room for new comics. He didn’t like that idea.

I wish someone would have warned me that these boxes spontaneously replicate, like tribbles.* Every so often I find a new one in my bedroom and I’m reassured that it’s the last one. The pile keeps getting taller and taller.


*As a fanboy wife, it is my responsibility to be able to throw in a nerd-reference every now and then.

Can’t Buy Just One

The problem with my fanboy is that he can’t buy just one of anything! Ash needs the complete set of everything. He needs to own every CD made by a band he likes, every book by his favorite authors, and every movie featuring Bill Murray. It’s sick. Even if he doesn’t like a particular song, story, or film, he needs to have it to complete the collection.

If the fanboy in your life picks up a new interest, make sure that there is a finite amount to it. For example, it’s okay if your fanboy takes an interest in Dead Like Me since there were only two seasons and one movie. They’re done. That’s it. It’s finished. It’s not that expensive of a collection because it’s not going to get bigger. Think twice before you let your significant other brings home the first season of Star Trek. It’s like If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. He’ll want the second and third seasons, the six movies with Shatner, and now those bastards at Paramount Pictures thought it would be a good idea to start making new movies.

It is perfectly okay to have an interest or a hobby, but the need to own everything related that interest or hobby crosses a line. I don’t need to have to wade through mountains of X-Men comics to get to my dresser. I don’t need every storage space of my car filled with Rush CDs. I enjoy The X Files as much as the next person, but I don’t need to own the entire series. The episodes after Duchovny are just unwatchable, and that’s why I quit watching the show on TV when it was new. Then again, that was about the time I got my driver’s license…

Hawkman, His Head’s a Hawk

Image from All Star Comics Archives Volume 7. Drawing by Joe Kubert.

This is Hawkman. His head’s a hawk. He is part of a super-hero group called the Justice Society of America (JSA). There are a lot of comics with him in it. My husband, Ash, used to talk about the JSA all the time. He used to talk about Hawkman too, but he made one fatal flaw. He showed me a picture of Hawkman! It was then I realized Hawkman’s super power – his head! What other super hero has a complete bird for a head? Ash tried to tell me that his head is not a hawk and that it’s actually a mask, but I don’t buy it. Take a look at the picture! Why are there wings on his “head” when he has wings on his back? Why would his “mask” need a head of its own? To me, it looks like a complete hawk on top of his head, and that is what gives Hawkman his hawk strength.

From then on, any time my husband would talk about Hawkman, I would say, “Yeah? I love Hawkman! His head’s a hawk!” He would then get frustrated and change the subject. I eventually told him that if he ever starts going to comic book conventions that I’m going to make a Hawkman costume to wear. I’ll introduce myself by saying, “I’m Hawkman; my head’s a hawk!” He tried to call my bluff my saying that I wouldn’t be able to make the wings, but he forgot that I’m pretty crafty with papier-mâché.

So, if your fanboy starts talking about the JSA, or Hawkman specifically, all you have to do is say, “I know all about Hawkman. His head’s a hawk.” He might even get so worked up that he’ll need an excuse, like taking out the trash, to leave the house for a little while.

Fanboy Ash/Disclaimer

My husband is a fanboy. I love him, but he’s a huge nerd. He wasn’t a full-fledged fanboy when we started dating, and his geekiness has grown exponentially over the years. I’m sure there are others who have found themselves in similar predicaments, and I thought I could lighten their burdens by sharing my experiences.

When I told my husband about my idea, he only asked that I change his name. Apparently he doesn’t want to come out of the geek-closet just yet. So, my husband’s alias is Ash.

He also asked that I add a disclaimer as well. He thinks that some fanboys might discover it and become upset because the information I am presenting won’t fit in continuity of the multi-verses or they’ll find other qualms with it. While all the information may not be canonical, it will have a certain amount of truthiness to it. This is not a resource for fanboys; it’s a resource for their significant others! It’s also a way for me to cope with the stockpile of comic books, cartoon DVDs, and nerdy t-shirts that have invaded my home in a comical manner.

Fanboy Wife Mission Statement

The purpose of Fanboy Wife is to provide tips, definitions, and comic relief to those who are in love with fanboys.