Halloween

I love the holiday but hate the movies.

Tales from the Crypt Books

When I was a kid, I used to watch Tales from the Crypt on TV, and I had no idea that it was a comic. When my husband in the early stages of his comic addiction, he asked for the bound volumes of Tales from the Crypt for a gift. (If I would have known what a sickness this was going to turn into, I would have never ordered these books for him!)


This comic was published by Entertaining Comics back in the 1940s and 50s, but they had to stop publishing it due to censorship. Zombies and stories that included violence were apparently corrupting America’s youth, according to government. After the Comic Code was adopted, Tales from the Crypt disappeared. (I hate myself for knowing all of this.) Good thing they banned horror stories, because after that all the children in the United States grew up to be well-adjusted and wonderfully successful adults…

Compared to the TV show, the books aren’t that bad. They’re actually a little cheesy. They’re also a lot tamer than the comic books that are being published now!

So Many Zombies

Zombies are so popular. The Walking Dead is a zombie book that my spouse liked. It’s about a guy who wakes up in a hospital that’s full of zombies and he tries to find his family. He has to fight the flesh-eating zombies, like the plot in so many other stories and movies. Ash also loves The Night of the Living Dead, and the subsequent films. Personally, I can’t stand the one when they’re in the mall. I also don’t get the ending of Land of the Dead because the humans let the zombies go. They’re just going to eat the humans’ flesh! They’re zombies! It’s what they do.

Ghostbusters Shirts

Halloween is fast approaching, and nerds everywhere are deciding which superhero they want to be for the holiday. My husband found the stash of superhero-style costume t-shirts at a store in the mall. He bought us matching Ghostbusters t-shirts. They have silk screened proton packs on the back. I am the saddest woman in the world.
    

L.E.G.I.O.N.

L.E.G.I.O.N. is comic that is an acronym. I’m sure Ash has told me what it means, but I can’t remember. My guess is that it stands for “Lame Evil Guys Insist on Naugahyde.”

Flash this Shirt

My husband celebrated a birthday recently, and I bought him some apparel sporting his favorite football team’s logo. Additionally, I won a Flash t-shirt for him in an online auction. Ash has been pining for a Flash t-shirt for a long time, and he never found one on his own. I found one and bid on it for him, even though I secretly hoped I would lose. Unfortunately for me, no one else wanted the fastest t-shirt alive. Ash was thrilled when he got it, so I guess that counts for something.

Regular Superman

Superman is a very recognizable superhero because he wears a spandex bodysuit with his red underpants on the outside with red booties. He also has a big “S” on his chest and a cape. He was invented by a pair of Jewish kids in the 1930s.

When Superman was a baby, his planet was doomed, and his parents sent him to Earth in a spaceship. (Those kids totally ripped off Moses, by the way.) The spaceship landed in Kansas of all places, and the alien baby was discovered by Mr. and Mrs. Kent, who never had any children. Fortunately for the Kents, baby Superman didn’t have tentacles or a head inside his mouth, so they were able to pass him off as their own kid.

Apparently, it was Superman’s good ole Midwestern upbringing that caused him to want to be superhero and use his powers for good. When he was a grownup, he left his parents’ farm and moved to Metropolisville, or whatever it’s called, to pursue his other lifelong dream of being a reporter. I guess he can type really fast and file papers like none other. To keep his identity a secret, he wears glasses when he’s not Superman. Eyewear can really fool people. For example, I can’t recognize my husband when he takes off his glasses. Fortunately for Superman, his girlfriend, Lois Lane, is an idiot and doesn’t recognize that he’s a superhero. She’s completely fooled by glasses. She’s also a reporter. Lois suffers the worst luck, and she’s really good at falling off buildings.

Superman is a really strong and fast guy in tights. He also started off as a good jumper. He could “leap tall buildings in a single bound.” Later on, he was able to fly instead of just jumping. I think he can also go back in time by flying counterclockwise, or something.

Anyway, Superman wears his super suit under his regular suit so he can change quickly if trouble is afoot. He used to change in phone booths, but I don’t know where he changes these days because I haven’t seen a phone booth in years thanks to cellular phones. The part of his costume that causes me the greatest concern is the cape. How does he hide it under his regular clothes? Does he just bunch it all up in the seat of his pants? Does he go around with a lumpy butt all day until trouble rears its ugly head?

Don’t Panic

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is actually one of my favorite books. Douglas Adams is pretty funny, and I enjoyed reading all of the subsequent books in the series. The TV show and movie were pretty decent too, but not as great as the books. Douglas Adams gets the official Fanboy Wife Seal of Approval.



Even though I like his work, I have not crossed the line between enjoying something and fanboydom. I have not hunted down the radio show, nor do I own the TV series. I’ve also never dressed up as Zaphod Beeblebrox.

The books are about an unfortunate man named Arthur Dent. The Earth is destroyed, and he hitchhikes across the universe with his friend, Ford Prefect, who is an alien. They consult the Hitchhiker’s Guide when they come across new situations, and it has the words “Don’t Panic” printed in friendly letters across the cover. The excerpts from the guide are usually pretty funny, but most of what Douglas Adams wrote is hilarious.

Ghostbusters II

My husband told me that the idea behind Ghostbusters was to show how something as phenomenal and exciting as catching ghosts could become mundane. In Ghostbusters II, they did such a good job at capturing ghosts that they have no business.

Then, an old, evil guy comes out of a painting and runs amok. He tries to steal Dana’s baby, and this gives Venkman another shot at dating her. There’s a possessed, dancing toaster, and the Ghostbusters bring the Statue of Liberty to life to fight the evil ghost.

There are some other “amazing” and “wonderful” things that I am leaving out, but I’ll let your fanboy fill you in on those details. If you’re “lucky,” like me, he might just act out the entire movie.

Superhero T-Shirt Matchup

I make fun of my husband a little bit more than I should, so I bought him this superhero t-shirt to make up for the anguish I cause him. Of course, I’m going to lose all of that positive karma by making fun of his shirt, but at least I tried!


Anyway, once Ash got this shirt, he thought he would quiz me to see what superheroes I can identify. Here are my guesses:

Green Lantern, Superman, the Flash, and Robin Hood/Green Arrow
Superman with a Noose, Alien-Man, Batman, and Batboy
Green Lantern, Face Paint Guy, Hawkman (his head’s a hawk), and the Torch
Aquaman, Mr. Clean, Stretchy Superman, and Another Green Lantern
The Terminator, Red Arrow, Yellow Arrow, and Blue Man

I don’t think I passed the test.

Vendetta is still Very Uninteresting

My husband insists that V for Vendetta the comic is way better than the movie, but the movie was so bad I can’t imagine reading this book any time in the foreseeable future.

The What-lord

I found The Warlord in my husband’s hoard of books. I don’t recall him talking about it at all, so perhaps he hasn’t even read it yet. I’m going to completely disregard the phrase, “don’t judge a book by its cover,” and judge this book by its cover.


It looks like it’s about a guy who likes Hawkman so much he sold all of his clothes in order to buy a hawk-like helmet. He was planning on having the head-hawk transplant, but he couldn’t afford it. Since the Hawkman-wannabe sold his clothes, he has to wear a loincloth and live in the jungle. Unfortunately for him, the leopard he killed for his loin cloth was actually a were-leopard, and her werewolf son wants vengeance!

Then again, I could be completely wrong.

Strange Girl Books

Strange Girl is a comic written by Rick Remender. The story begins with the Christian apocalypse, when all of those God chose ascend to Heaven and the world is taken over by demons. The main character was left on Earth, and the story follows her adventures. My husband enjoyed this series, and he thought that I would enjoy reading it. However, I have that natural aversion to comics and apocalyptic eschatology so I haven’t read it.

Free Print with Essex County

When my husband orders comics, sometimes he gets free stuff with them. Apparently his comics don’t take up enough space of my home. Anyway, when he ordered Essex County by Jeff Lemire, he got a large print.


To prove that I’m not such a terrible person, I personally cut the mat so the print would fit in the frame my husband bought. See, I’m not always that horrible!

Dollhouse Season 1

My husband came home with the first season of Dollhouse this week. He is determined to like it so he can support his hero, Joss Whedon, who created the show.

It’s about the evil vampire slayer, who is a doll, I think. Every episode, she gets her brain erased and she’s programmed to think she’s a person that goes into some situation. It’s like she’s a spy but doesn’t know that she is one. Her stunt double usually gets into a fight too. I think there are other actors from Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel in it, which makes my husband try to like this show even more.

Fanboys Hate Roy Lichtenstein

Roy Lichtenstein was an American artist was one of the leaders of the Pop Art movement in the last half of the 20th century. He was really famous for taking panels from comic books, enlarging the scale, and making paintings. Many fanboys hate Lichtenstein because his artwork is worth millions of dollars while the comics he used for inspiration are not nearly as valuable.

(Hopeless by Roy Lichtenstein.)

While I am not a huge fan of Lichtenstein’s work, I can see the value of it. Back in the 1960s, when Lichtenstein made his mark, comics were considered banal and thrown away after they were read. Lichtenstein’s contribution to the art world is that he immortalized these ephemeral images. He really liked enlarging scenes from melodramatic comics like Girls’ Romances and Secret Hearts. Additionally, he didn’t only copy the comic panels, he did make some changes. Lichtenstein also made a lot of completely original artwork in the style of comics. Personally, I like his use of benday dots on a large scale. He also painted some ceramic heads sculpted by Hui Ka Kwong that are interesting because he took a 2-D style and applied it to a 3-D object.

Secret Wars T-Shirt

My husband bought this t-shirt recently, but laments that it isn’t a different Secret Wars issue cover. He said he would prefer the one with the Hulk lifting a mountain. This caused me to pose the philosophical question, “Can God create a mountain so big that the Hulk cannot lift it?”

Super-Hats

I guess reading comics in the sunshine is a big problem amongst fanboys, which is why baseball caps with superhero logos are sold. Apparently, t-shirts and pins aren’t enough for Ash to proclaim his love of comics, and now he has made the transition to super-hats.

(This hat sports the Flash logo.)

Ghostbusters

My husband has been in love with Ghostbusters since he was a little kid. His parents recorded it off TV for him on a VHS, which he watched to death. As an adult, he has the movie on DVD, and he can act out the movie as it’s happening like it’s The Rocky Horror Picture Show.


This movie is about 3 scientists, played by Billy Murray, Dan Aykroyd, and Harold Ramis, who lose their jobs. Out of work, they pool their resources and talents and become the Ghostbusters. Even though they catch ghosts, they tend to create a lot of damages. They live in an old firehouse, have a secretary, and hire a fourth Ghostbuster because their cheesy commercial stirs up a lot of business.

They catch ghosts with proton packs, and they keep them in a big electronic container-thing in their firehouse. The streams from the proton packs cause a lot of fires and damages, and they could possibly bring even more damage if the streams are crossed. The Ghostbusters used a lot of various gadgets, which my husband had toy replicas of when he was a child. I’m thankful that those toys broke during his youth so they don’t clutter up our tiny home now.

Bill Murray’s character is Dr. Peter Venkman, and he’s my husband’s favorite Ghostbuster. Venkman wants to get a ghost that lives in a woman’s refrigerator. This woman is named Dana and is played by Sigourney Weaver from the Alien movies. It turns out that Dana’s apartment was built by an evil architect, and the apocalypse is going to happen because of that building. Dana and her neighbor, Rick Moranis, get turned into gargoyles and climb on their roof to meet the evil apocalypse-bringer Gozer.

Gozer summons the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man to destroy them all. The Ghostbusters cross the streams from their proton packs, and the world is saved. Everyone is covered in marshmallow goo, and the world is safe again until Ghostbusters II…

Spaceballs

Mel Brooks makes great satirical movies, and Spaceballs is one of them. This movie gets the Fanboy Wife Seal of Approval because it makes fun of all the sci-fi movies I loathe. Even though I’ve only seen Star Wars once, which is one time too many, it was enough for me to appreciate the humor in Spaceballs. If you’ve had to see Alien or Star Trek, you should enjoy this movie as well.

Spaceballs is about a runaway space princess and her robot, Dot Matrix. They need to be rescued from Dark Helmet, who wants to destroy their planet. There is a hero. There is also a mog, who is half-man, half-dog, and he is his “own best friend.” There are chest-popping aliens, a beaded lady, and a scene when the Spaceballs comb the desert. Like many other Mel Brooks movies, this one ends with a wedding.

Jonah Hex

Consider yourselves warned: Jonah Hex is going to be a movie. This comic book series is about a hideous cowboy who kills lots of people. My understanding is that Jonah Hex is a combination of the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Phoenix Pocession

Not only is Jean Grey an X-Man, but she is also an astronaut. When she was in space, she became possessed by the Phoenix. In classic mythology, the phoenix is a bird that dies and rises from its ashes. In the Marvel world, the Phoenix is an evil super thing that tries to destroy universe. When Jean Grey is the Phoenix, she beats up her friends and tries to destroy the world. She actually succeeds at destroying another planet, which causes many aliens to die. Even though Jean was evil, she at least got a costume upgrade.

(Drawing by John Byrne.)

Be Kind Rewind Movie

If you saw the previews for Be Kind Rewind, thought it looked funny, but didn’t actually see the movie, you’re not missing out on much. The funniest parts were in the preview. The movie has Jack Black, of Tenacious D fame, and Mos Def in it. They work at a video rental place, accidentally erase all of the videos with magnets, and then they remake the movies so they can keep the store open. Their fake movies are the best part, but that is actually not the bulk of the movie. Instead, it’s supposed to be a touching movie about a community coming together.

An Evening with Kevin Smith

Kevin Smith has this strange magnetism to him that attracts fanboys. Perhaps it’s because even though Kevin Smith is a big geek, he is successful and married a woman out of his league. If your fanboy can’t get enough Kevin Smith in his life, then he’ll probably want to purchase An Evening with Kevin Smith. He’ll probably watch it many, many times as well.

Jean Grey

Jean Grey is one of the many mutants in the Marvel mutant-verse. Her father was Earl Grey. When Jean told her father that she didn’t want to take over the family tea business, she went to Professor Xavier’s Mutant Charm School. Her mutant powers give her the ability to read minds and date Cyclops. Wolverine is also in love with her, but she doesn’t like him because he’s too short and hairy.

She has a terrible blue and skin-tone colored costume made out of spandex with cargo pockets, and she has an odd looking headband.

Blue Beetle

My husband has been reading a lot of comics about the Blue Beetle recently, but he doesn’t tell me too much about them because he knows I get annoyed by anything is set in ancient Egypt and full of fallacies. However, Ash made the mistake about telling me about the Blue Beetle, which I will now use against him.

The Blue Beetle originated in ancient Egypt. There was a man who made the mistake of getting frisky with the pharaoh’s daughter. As punishment, he was mummified alive. Thousands of years later, an archaeologist named Dan Garret was in Egypt and he found the tomb. In that tomb, there was a magical scarab. That scarab gave Dan Garret superpowers when he would shout the magic words, “Mumbo Jumbo!” After many years, Dan Garret had to stop being the Blue Beetle because he realized that a scarab is a dung beetle and it was just too gross for him.

(Drawing by Fanboy Wife based on a picture by Raphael Albuquerque)

The next Blue Beetle was one of Dan Garret’s students, but he couldn’t get the scarab to give him magical powers. To compensate, the second Blue Beetle built a suit and invented things to make him a superhero. Unfortunately his suit wasn’t waterproof, and this Blue Beetle was electrocuted when he fell into the Nile.

The current Blue Beetle is Jaime Reyes. It turns out that the scarab wasn’t magic, but it is a piece of alien technology. The aliens probably left it in Egypt after they built the pyramids and Stargate. The scarab found Jaime Reyes and fused into his spine, and it gives him robot superpowers. As the Blue Beetle, Jaime Reyes fights Egyptologists, archaeologists, and other academics that perpetuate the myth that the Egyptians built their own monuments.

Buffy the Video Game

My husband is in love with all things Buffy, so he has the Buffy the Vampire Slayer Xbox video game. Let me share that this game is pretty boring. I’ve never played it before, but I’ve been “treated” to watching my husband play it for hours on end. The person playing this game gets to be Buffy and run around and slay vampires, hence the title.

The Other Matrix Movies

There are two other Matrix movies, and they got progressively worse. There is also a cartoon movie. Fortunately, my husband has a little bit of taste and did not purchase any of these other videos.


I saw the cartoon Matrix years ago, and I don’t remember much about it. I can’t even remember the title of it. I think it was about different people discovering that they were in the Matrix. One person discovered it because he could run really fast. I think a fanboy could live without owning this because it’s not necessary for the other movies, but fanboys do like to own the complete collection!

My husband took me to the midnight show of the second Matrix when we were dating. He should be thankful I ever went out with him again! I remember that nothing happened in that movie. There was a group of people that Keanu Reeves teamed up with to fight some albinos. Keanu Reeves might have also been in love, but the movie didn’t have a conclusion. It just ended. Even Ash was disappointed that the movie didn’t have an ending, but he was willing to forgive them because he knew that the third movie was going to be released soon.

One would think that the conclusion to a trilogy would actually provide a conclusion to the story, right? Not with this movie! Now that’s a surprise ending! Nothing happened and nothing was accomplished. Keanu Reeves and a few other humans were chosen to repopulate the Matrix. The theme of love was jammed down the audience’s throat as well, which oddly enough filled me with rage.

Bruce of All Trades

Bruce Campbell, who is magnificently dreamy, starred in a TV show called Jack of All Trades in 2000. The show only lasted for two seasons, and it’s available on DVD. What’s nice about this show is that the complete series comes in one, tiny boxed set, and it has Bruce Campbell in it. This show is great for fanboys and their wives.

The show is really cheesy; it’s a cross between the American Revolution and a bad Renaissance festival. Bruce Campbell plays an early 19th century superhero on a small island. Jack of All Trades is full of sword fighting, bad French accents, and lewd innuendoes. The guy who was Mini-Me is also Napoleon Bonaparte!

Your willing suspension of disbelief must be pretty high to watch this show, but it’s pretty easy when Bruce Campbell is on the screen.

Leave Ancient Egypt Alone

Dear Comic Book, Movie, and Television Writers,

Please leave ancient Egypt alone. I know that you heard about mummies and pyramids in the fourth grade, but until you bother to do any further study you need to stop using Egyptian themes in your creations. Additionally, The Ten Commandments is not a documentary! I hate it when you use ancient Egypt in your stories and you don’t know the first thing about Egypt.

(This is Djoser's Step Pyramid. It is the oldest pyramid, and it was designed by Imhotep.)

The reason I take umbrage with this trend is that I have studied about ancient Egypt extensively, and I even went to Egypt for a class in college. I don’t expect everyone else to study the subject as extensively as I have, but if you’re going to write about it you should at least do a little research.
(This is a colossal statue at the Karnak temple.)

I’m not looking for a documentary every time I see something about Egypt, but I would like to see you put forth a little bit of effort. There are some movies that have successfully told stories on the ancient Egyptian theme. They are: The Mummy (1932), Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy (1955), and The Mummy (1999). Even though Boris Karloff’s The Mummy is riddled with fallacies, the flow fits with my willing suspension of disbelief and I can enjoy the story told. Besides, Karloff’s makeup is amazing. Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy is hilarious, and it’s a great satire. Finally, The Mummy from 1999 is a good remake of the 1932 film because it adds to the story, and it doesn’t take itself too seriously. I remember when The Mummy came out a documentary was shown at the same time to point out the fabrications, which I enjoyed.

(Here is an interior relief from the temple at Philae.)

If you are going to use the previously mentioned movies for inspiration, please don’t just copy them. There are too many terrible stories about mummies coming back to life already, especially considering that no one could be mummified alive since the process took 70 days. Additionally, stop telling the story about how aliens built the pyramids. Pyramidiots will take it as truth, and the idea that the Egyptians couldn’t build their own monuments is racist. Furthermore, the Egyptian didn’t believe in reincarnation. If they did, there would be no need for mummies, pyramids, or tombs. Try to think of something original, and please do a little bit of research before you try to write about ancient Egypt. Go to your local library and check out a few books; I highly recommend Barbara Mertz’s Red Land, Black Land.

Sincerely,
Fanboy Wife