Saturday, July 31, 2010

Images of Comics

In the world of comics, there are two big publishers: Marvel and DC. Marvel is known for Spider-Man and Iron Man. DC is known for Superman and Batman.
  
   
Another publisher of comics is Image. Ash said it was founded in the ‘90s by a bunch of artists. Because artists were running the company, all the focus at the beginning was on the art, and Ash said that the stories lacked substance. I suppose this has changed because Ash owns quite the collection of Image comics. Some of his collection includes Savage Dragon and Witchblade.
  
I used to think that I only had DC and Marvel to blame for my lack of shelf space, but I now know that Image deserves some of the blame too.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Old School

 
I don’t know if I’ve shared my disdain for Will Ferrell before on not, but I cannot stand him. I also can’t stand the movie Old School. I tried watching this movie once when it was new and it was very annoying. It was about grown men pretending they were in a fraternity or something. I don’t know, I couldn’t watch the whole movie. Anyway, I was a bit disappointed when Ash brought home his own copy.
  

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Buffy’s Librarian

The librarian on Buffy the Vampire Slayer was one of the few grownups who actually played a grownup, as opposed to a grownup playing a teenager. The character was named Giles, and he was more than just the librarian. He was also the watcher. What is a watcher? Well, in the Buffy-verse, a watcher is like the vampire slayer’s boss. The watcher is an adult who knows all about vampires and monsters, and s/he trains the slayer in hopes that she will live long enough to get her driver’s license. While watchers don’t have any superpowers, they do get a paycheck from the Royal Anti-Vampire Counsel.    
  
 

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Things Ash Doesn’t Like

Ash once told me that the only reason he married me is because I’ll never make him eat broccoli. While we both can be finicky, our tastes have diverged as we have gotten older. While we both still have a burning hatred for vegetables, Ash has grown to love comics, science fiction, and music from the ‘80s. However, there are many things that I enjoy that Ash doesn’t like.
    
Here is a short list of things I like that Ash doesn’t.
  1. Renaissance Festivals
  2. Hula Hooping
  3. Black Olives
  4. Scrabble
    

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Run, Fatboy, Run

No, Run, Fatboy, Run is not a workout DVD for fanboys. Instead, it is a movie starring the guy from Shaun of the Dead. It’s just as funny, but it’s slightly less gory. The story is about a dolt who runs out on his pregnant bride and how he tries to win her back several years later. Logically, he decides to run a marathon.
     
      
If your fanboy brings this film home because he liked Hot Fuzz, this one is fine to watch with him. Just cover your eyes during the scene with the blister. You may also want to avert your eyes when Simon Pegg is wearing those upsetting little shorts.
   

Monday, July 26, 2010

Changing in Public

 
The Flash keeps his costume that is vacuum-packed and made of the stretchiest spandex in a little ring so he can change quickly. My question is if he is so fast, why doesn’t he just go home and change?

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Cable Bill

When I think of “cable,” I think of that television service that I can’t afford. However, when fanboys think of “cable,” they think of the X-Man Cable. Ash has quite a few of these books, and I have gathered that Cable is a time-travelling mutant with a daughter who grew up very fast. From the issues I saw, I could see that the illustrators had a very difficult time drawing children. The kid never looked the right age.
  

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Don’t Watch Roman

My husband adores Veronica Mars, but even he had to admit the movie Roman was horrible. There is no reason to watch this movie, and I’ll share why.
 
This movie is about an anti-social man named Roman who eats nothing but pork and beans in a can, and that quirk gets the attention of an unsuspecting Veronica Mars. Unfortunately for her, Roman kills her and keeps her decomposing body his shower. He covers his walls with air fresheners and fills the tub with ice, but it’s okay because fake rubber corpses don’t smell anyway.
 
  
Even though Roman has his dead girlfriend in the bathroom, he starts to date a neighbor who thinks she’s a dryad and likes death. Eventually, Roman starts cutting up bathtub girlfriend’s body so he can take her out on dates. He would take the plastic body parts, one at a time, on a picnic and then chuck them into a river. Unfortunately for him, before he goes to throw out the last appendage, the rubber leg, Roman’s crazy fairy girlfriend stops by. Roman hides the leg in the bed, and then Roman and the dryad do the nasty despite the smell.
  
The movie ends with Roman visiting his fairy girlfriend to see her latest creation because she’s an “artist,” I guess. He finds that she has recreated Sir John Everett Millais’s Ophelia. Not only was this a bad movie, but it had to drag a reputable artwork into it.
  

Friday, July 23, 2010

Dr. Fate

 
Dr. Fate is a magical superhero. He has a mystical helmet that doesn’t cover his ears. Every inch of his body is concealed except for his ears, which would make it very easy for someone to shoot him, poke him, or at the very least give him a wet willy. I have no idea why his helmet leaves two vulnerable spots open – perhaps he wants to tempt fate.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Love and Capes 2

Compared to other superhero comics, Love and Capes 2: Going to the Chapel by Thomas F. Zahler isn’t that bad. It’s not something that I would have bought on my own, but I live with a fanboy so I have access to a copy. I read the first book because Ash thought I would like it and I thought it was amusing, and so I read the sequel.
  
   
Love and Capes 2 has the same comic timing as the first one, and it continues to parody other superheroes. Instead of Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, the characters are the Crusader, Darkblade, and Amazonia. Even though the main characters all battle evil, it’s really not the focus of the comic. Instead, the book is written like a sitcom, and the conversations between the actions are showcased.
   
So, if your fanboy has a copy of this book it wouldn’t hurt to read it. You can talk about that instead of listening to him lecture you about the Legion of Substitute Super-Heroes/watching another episode of Doctor Who/ hearing about the Brightest Day crossover event.
  

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

MST3K XVII

  
The most recent Mystery Science Theater 3000 boxed set I have is volume 17. MST3K is the only television show that I own that consumes an entire shelf, but that’s mostly because Ash buys me every DVD he can because he doesn’t know what else to buy me for gift-giving holidays and occasions. While I loved watching this show when I was a teenager, I probably wouldn’t have started buying it for myself. In fact, I don’t think I’ve paid for a single DVD. I think Ash is projecting his fanboyitis on me through gifts. Unfortunately, this collection will never be complete because I highly doubt that Sandy Frank will ever release the rights to the Gamera movies.
 
Anyway, MST3K XVII has four horrible movies: The Crawling Eye, The Beatniks, The Final Sacrifice, and Blood Waters of Dr. Z. It also has mini-posters, which are the movie covers printed on small paper so I can spill them out of the box each time I want to watch a movie. Overall, this set gets the coveted Fanboy Wife Seal of Approval.
 
  
The Crawling Eye is a very old episode. It was the first one that wasn’t on KTMA, and it has Doctor Erhardt. It’s about a big ole eyeball that terrorizes the town. I’ve watched it a few times, but I can’t remember much about it.

The other Joel episode is The Beatniks, and that is easier to watch that The Crawling Eye. It’s about a hooligan who randomly gets a singing career, but his idiot friends ruin it for him. The robots are in love with the main character, and they have a slumber party, which is entertaining.
  
My “favorite” movie in the set is The Final Sacrifice. It’s an awful movie about a nerdy kid who learns that his dad was killed by a cult, and he has to join forces with a man with a mullet. I really can’t recall how this one ends, but that’s how it goes with most of these terrible films. I enjoyed the host segments in this show, especially when Bobo gave everyone hockey-hair. There’s also a song about Canada that gets out of control.
  
The last movie in the set is Blood Waters of Dr. Z, and it is almost unwatchable. Fortunately, it’s pretty forgettable. I know it has something to do with a doctor who turns himself into a fish-man-monster of Doctor Who quality. He then takes a spray bottle and tries to turn other fish into mutants too. I think he kills some people. I can’t remember. I know I’ll watch it again, but I really can’t remember much about this movie because it was so bad!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Go, Team Marvel!

Here is another stunning shirt from the Ash collection. It has Iron Man, the Hulk, and Spider-Man. Who knew that they were all friends?
 
  
What’s really great about this shirt is that “Marvel” is written in blue glitter – because nothing is manlier than clothing covered in glitter!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Red Dingus Back to Earth Movie

There was a while when Ash watched nothing but the Red Dwarf DVDs back to back. Every minute he was home, he watching that horrible show. I’m not much of an optimist, but at least when he watched all of the episodes in a row the hurting ended sooner. Also, he watched most of the show when I wasn’t at home, so I didn’t have to see every episode.
 
   
He bought all of the seasons in one big boxed set, but he had to make one more purchase to complete his collection. He had to buy Back to Earth separately. I feel fortunate that I didn’t have to watch it, but Ash told me about it anyway. The movie is about Lister, Rimmer, Cat, and Kryton making it to Earth in the year 2009 where they discover that Red Dwarf is a television show. I’m sure there are some antics and shenanigans, and I think the movie ends with the characters meeting the actors and the universe imploding in on itself.
 

Sunday, July 18, 2010

TARDIS

(Photo and knitted TARDIS created by Ivy, who is incredibly talented and creative.)

The TARDIS is the blue phone booth that Doctor Who uses to travel around through time and space. I guess it used to have a cloaking device that changed its outer shell to blend in with its surroundings, but the camouflage got stuck on the police box design.
 
Ash said that TARDIS is an acronym. I think it stands for “Totally Awesome Rotating Device in Space.”

Friday, July 16, 2010

Vampires Bite

Ash told me that he heard on the news that the latest teenage trend involves biting each other. I guess it has to do with the Twilight nonsense because vampires are very popular right now.

 
Now, when I was a teenager Buffy the Vampire Slayer was on the air, but I don’t recall it being that popular. I had two friends that watched it, but I never saw an episode myself. It certainly wasn’t trendy enough to get teenagers to bite each other. I guess vampires today have better marketing campaigns.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Daredevil’s Costume

(Drawing by Fanboy Wife based on a picture by John Romita Jr.)
 
Daredevil is the only superhero who has a valid excuse for wearing a ridiculous costume. Who else would wear an entirely red getup other than a blind man?

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Fanboyitis Symptom Checklist

  
Faboyitis is a serious condition that drains your savings and robs you of your dignity. My husband suffers from this disorder, and here are the symptoms that I’ve observed.
  • All of his normal clothing is replaced by apparel that displays comic characters and logos.
  • He has the need to buy entire series of television shows he might like. He will buy every episode available for sale before he even finishes watching the first season. He will never admit if he doesn’t like the show. It is more important to own the complete collection than it is to enjoy the items purchased.
  • All of your shelves are filled with his books and movies, thus making it impossible to find anything you might want to read or watch.
  • He cannot leave the house without a memento of obsessions. This can be a pin, ring, hat, or even underpants.
  • All of the surfaces in your home (counters, tables, chairs, etc.) are covered with stacks of comic books.
  • He has to buy first issues of all new comics and all of the subsequent issues. He will often let the books pile up for months before even reading the first issue and deciding if he even enjoys the story or illustrations.
  • When he buys a television series, he has to watch all of the episodes in a row. He will watch the show nonstop until he has seen ever episode, bonus feature, and commentary.
  • He will stay up all night watching television and falling asleep in the living room so often he will just keep his pillow and blanket on the couch.
If your spouse or loved one exhibits any of these conditions, seek expert help immediately!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Monday, July 12, 2010

Darlicks/Daleks

Doctor Who features a menagerie of puppets and costumes that are meant to be aliens, robots, and monsters of sorts. While children and fanboys alike are wildly entertained by these creations, I find them very cheesy and annoying. The Daleks, by far, are the most irritating of all of the Doctor’s nemeses. First of all, their name is irksome. I thought it should be spelled “Darlicks,” since that’s how it’s pronounced, but I was wrong. I actually thought they were the “Garlics” at first, but Doctor Ash corrected me.
  
So, the Daleks/Darleks are these horrible puppet/remote controlled/costume things that fight the Doctor again and again. They are crudely made and could be easily defeated by a flight of stairs. Even the Mystery Science Theater 3000 puppets were better constructed, and they were funny. The Daleks look like they’re trashcans with upside down bowls for heads. They also have light bulbs glued to their exteriors. Finally, for their terrifying robot appendages, they have plungers and whisks. Watch out for the whisk though, there’s a death-ray in it.
  
The most annoying feature about the Daleks has to be their voices. It’s unbearable to listen to them. They all have very panicked roboto-voices screeching on a chalkboard. They’re always shrieking, “You will be deleted!” (or something like that) while waving their death-whisks and plungers while rolling after their victims.
   

While I loathe all of the Doctor Who episodes, I particularly hate the ones with the Daleks. Be wary of these whiney garbage cans.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Fanboy Wives’ Support Group

For any other people who are married to a fanboy, I want you to know that you are not alone! Whether your spouse developed fanboyitis before or after the wedding, I want you to know that it is not your fault. Together, we can lament and provide support for each other.

(This is from a friend's facebook page. The names have been changed to protect the innocent and the not-so-innocent.)

Friday, July 9, 2010

Doctor Who Narcolepsy

There are many, many things about Doctor Who that irritate me. I’m annoyed that Ash is determined to drain his bank account on a quest to own all the episodes. I’m annoyed that he owns more DVD sets than will fit on a shelf. I’m annoyed that Ash has to watch all of the special features right after watching the episodes. However, the thing that annoys me the most is Ash’s Doctor Who Narcolepsy.

  
What usually happens is Ash comes home from work and pops in a Doctor Who DVD. About 10 minutes into the show, Ash falls asleep. As soon he falls asleep, I give him a few chances to awaken and watch his show. “Ash,” I’ll ask, “are you awake?” He always says he’s awake, but his eyes are closed and he’s snoring again in less than a minute. “Ash,” I’ll ask again, “are you watching this?” He’ll tell me his is watching it, but his glasses are off and he’s drooling another minute later.

Usually when I turn the TV off or change the channel, Ash will spring to life and say, “Hey! I was watching that!” It’s bad enough that I have to watch Doctor Who with my husband, but it is extremely irritating that I have to watch it while he is sleeping. On one occasion recently, Ash slept through an entire episode, woke up, and replayed that episode so he could nap through it twice in a row!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Flash Ring Wardrobe


According to Ash, the Flash keeps his costume inside of his ring as opposed to wearing his costume under his clothes. Apparently the Flash suit is folded very small, and then it grows to normal size like a raft filling with air, which is the analogy given in the comics. However, this explanation isn’t very good. Even when a rubber raft is deflated, it takes up quite a bit of space. Additionally, the material of the raft doesn’t stretch; it just gets inflated. If the Flash suit is a raft, then the Flash himself is the air. His suit would take up the same amount of space as a shirt and pair of pants, which would not fit in a ring. Additionally, where does the Flash store his normal clothes? Are all of his clothes made out of the special-raft-spandex? When I complained about this, Ash’s clever retort was, “It’s only a comic.” I then asked why everything has to be ret-conned and line up with continuity if “it’s only a comic” is a valid explanation. Ash has yet to answer me.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

New Comic Hoard


Ash just got his latest shipment of comics yesterday. Thankfully, the box is smaller than last month. I also hate to admit it, but it’s nice when Ash orders his comics because it means that I have to go to the comic book store less often. Unfortunately, when Ash skips out on the comic book shop, it means he has less social interaction. If he could get by with it, I’m sure Ash would never leave the apartment again. He would just order everything he needs (food, comics, etc.) and have it delivered to him.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Red Dolt Season Eight

I was held captive in my own living room and forced to watch the beginning of the eighth season of Red Dwarf. (The internet must not have been working that day.) Lister, Rimmer, the Cat, the robot, and Lister’s girlfriend from last season find the Red Dwarf ship. Somehow, the crew that was killed 3 million years prior is also present, and they are very suspicious of the regular cast. They all end up in jail, and Kryten is imprisoned with the female convicts because he lacks “a very naughty bit indeed.”

 
In jail, the convicts play tricks on the crew, which gets them in lots of trouble. At one point, they change a dead bird into a Tyrannosaurus Rex, which eats everything and makes big messes. I think there is an episode or two after the dinosaur one, but I quit watching after the T-Rex one, so I have no idea how the series concluded. I’m sure I didn’t miss out on much.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Plastic Workout Man

Ash and I have lived in the same crappy apartment for three years and he just now noticed his favorite feature. In the workout room, there is a poster of Plastic Man. Ash has walked past that room with the glass doors every day on his way to and from work for three years, but he just now noticed the poster. (Before we moved in, when we took the tour, the apartment manager showed us the workout center as one of the complex’s great features, which we quickly dismissed because we are lazy people.) Once Ash took notice of this picture, he had to show it to me, but I already saw it… three years ago. I just didn’t know it was a superhero. I just thought it was a dork in spandex with floppy biceps.
 

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Batman T-Shirt

 
It isn’t enough that I mock my husband on the internet, but I also need to do it in public. I made myself a silkscreen “Bat-Man” t-shirt. Even Ash had to admit that it was pretty cool, so he asked me to make him a shirt too before I cleaned the screen.