Monday, April 25, 2011
Why Wonder Woman Annoys Me
1. Star-Spangled Skivvies. Why on Earth would a grown woman run around fighting crime in ridiculous undies? Are the criminals are going to laugh themselves to death? Yes, I know the new Wonder Woman costume has pants, but I bet she’s still wearing her blue and white panties under her clothes.
2. Lasso of Truth. This has got to be the worst weapon ever. What happens when she captures someone? “Excuse me, Wonder Woman, but your underpants are showing.”
3. Fake Amazons. I thought the Amazons were a bunch of badass warriors from classic mythology that cut off their right breasts in order to shoot their arrows better. I didn’t know there were a bunch of scantily clad, immortal women who run around in their underwear.
4. Other Greek Mythology. Apparently the creator of Wonder Woman read a book of Greek mythology when he was in the third grade and used that for the basis of his comic. What really annoys me is that some characters are named after Gods, and then there are some characters that are the Gods. For example, Wonder Woman’s name is Diana, who is the Roman Goddess of the hunt. She has a friend named Artemis, who is the Greek version of Diana. Artemis is not a Goddess. Ares, however, is a God. Zeus is a God. Hades is a God, but Artemis/Diana is not.
5. The Invisible Plane. I asked Ash where does Wonder Woman get invisible gas for her invisible airplane, and he said, “from her invisible ass.”
6. The Creepy Creator. I guess the guy who created Wonder Woman based the character on his wife… and young mistress. Not only did the guy cheat on his wife, but he moved his grad-student-mistress into the house with them.
7. Wonder Girl. Is Wonder Girl supposed to be young Wonder Woman, like Superboy is little Superman, or is she a different character?
8. Wonder Secretary. Ash said that when Wonder Woman joined the JSA, it was as their secretary. She must have needed her super-strength to file papers, her super-intelligence to unclog the copy machine, and her lasso of truth to deal with the clients making late payments.
9. Hippolyta. In the comics Hippolyta is the queen of the Amazons, like she was in Greek mythology. However, Hippolyta was supposed to be killed my Hercules because he wanted her girdle. Maybe in the comics, Hercules will kill her for her star-studded underpants instead.
10. Her Underpants. Seriously! At least the male superheroes don’t have goofy patterns on their underwear.