Ash went against his better judgment and took me with him to see Green Lantern at midnight. He wore his Green Lantern t-shirt and sweatshirt. He has also been using his Green Lantern keychain. After we got in the theater, Ash took out his plastic ring and put it on conveniently on the side furthest from me so I couldn’t take it away despite my poking. He said that all the other nerds were wearing them so he should wear his too. There were over a dozen other fanboys wearing Green Lantern shirts, and the one closest to us also wore his plastic ring. There was only one woman that wore a Green Lantern shirt. There were two other women in the cinema, and they sat in front of us and sent text messages during the entire movie.
So, in the tradition of many other nerds before me who have internet access and a lack of disregard for others, I am going to spoil the plot! However, I was busy eating as much candy as possible and daydreaming so I probably won’t get all the details correct.
So, Green Lantern began with the primordial booger, which was the first joke I made that made Ash mad. He shushed me and tried to ignore me the rest of the film. Next, a big ugly head trapped in green Jell-O sucked the skeletons out of a few aliens. I think the bad guy was named Pair-of-Pants. The big ugly head turned out to have a tarantula body, and so he went after a Green Lantern without any skin. The skinless Lantern got shot in the shoulder and escaped to Earth. His dying wish was that his ring would find a new owner, which was the unshaven Hal “High Balls” Jordan. Ash particularly liked that they used Hal’s nickname when he was flying.
Anyway, Hal became the Green Lantern by unleashing the ring’s magical green power. He even got a skin-tight CGI suit that reminded me of that episode of The Simpsons when Ned Flanders is wearing the skin-tight ski suit. It’s the one that makes Ned feel like he’s “wearing nothing at all.” It’s the suit that makes Homer lament, “Stupid sexy Flanders,” which was another joke that my husband did not appreciate! The only jokes he liked were the ones in the movie that only he and the other dorks in Green Lantern shirts understood.
Hal got mad because the other aliens picked on him and so he quit and went back to Earth. He didn’t mope around at home too long because the Hunchback of Notre Dame gained psychic powers and picked a fight with Hal. There was a lot of fighting, including mystical green weapons and such. None of the other Green Lanterns wanted to help Hal, so he has to fight the Hunchback (who actually got his power from Pair-of-Pants) by himself.
While Hal was fighting the Hunchback, the big ugly Pair-of-Pants himself made an appearance to destroy the Earth. His plan was to suck the skeletons out of the human race one at a time, which gave Hal plenty of time to fight. After fighting on Earth, Hal lured the beastly tarantula into outer space. Ash loved this part; he was giddy though all of the action sequences. After the movie was over, he claimed that he could hear me rolling my eyes during the fighting scenes. Anyway, the Green Hal tricked the evil alien to get sucked into the gravitational pull of a sun. The special effects at this point were particularly terrible. It looked like someone flung an action figure in the air and filmed it in slow motion. I thought it was funny, but I was the only person giggling.
So, the other Green Lanterns saved the day and they’re all best friends and lived happily ever after. Oh, except for the guy with red skin who looked like the devil Pitch from Santa Claus. During the credits he put on a yellow ring and became evil for the sequel.
By the way, I ate a giant box of Junior Mints, half a box of Mike and Ikes, and ¾ of a bag of gummy worms. (I snuck all the candy in my tiny purse too, so I had to take out everything save my keys. At $9 a ticket, who can afford a $5 box of candy?)